Walk Me Through This One (Story 1)
by AddisonSp
Summary: Just when she thought things couldn't get worse, life throws another curve ball. Kate is diagnosed with cancer, but how will Rick help her if she doesn't let him in? Takes place in current timeline, but Always did not happen. Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Greetings. Upon advice via a private message on how to make small improvements to the formatting, I've completely re-uploaded this story. Also, due to the last chapter I've changed the rating to M (to be safe). Format is improved, but content remains largely unchanged. **

**Disclaimer: They're not mine. Nope. Sure aren't. **

* * *

"_Calling All Angels, Calling All Angels. Walk me through this one, don't leave me alone." –Jane Siberly, Calling All Angels._

* * *

Her alarm clock sounded way too soon that morning. She'd sworn she'd just laid down 5 minutes ago. However, the early may sun shining through her blinds told her otherwise. It was clearly morning and time for her to get a start to her day. As she rose she noted the smell of coffee wafting through the air and silently gave thanks for her automatic coffee maker, an apartment warming gift from _him, _given to her early last year_._ Despite the smell of fresh coffee tempting her, all she really wanted to do was go back to bed. For just a while longer she wanted to forget about _him _and his new and obvious disdain for her. Sure he'd tried to hide it from her, but she was a detective, trained to read behavior, and frankly he wasn't that good. The only thing worse than knowing that he no longer cared for her, was knowing that he didn't even respect her enough to be honest about it. Fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall, the same tears she'd cried herself to sleep with the night before, she rose from her bed and headed for the shower.

Standing under the warm spray, Beckett silently ran her fingers over the small scar in the middle of her chest. Feeling the raised skin beneath her fingers and the slightly uneven texture within the scar itself, she let her mind wander again to the obvious changes in her partner's behavior. _Calling him a Jackass was an understatement, _she thought to herself. His behavior was simply cruel; flaunting the fact that he'd decided she was no longer worth waiting for. She'd tried to act ambivalent, to convey to him that he didn't affect her, but it was of no use. She'd even considered asking him to just leave, but she couldn't bring herself to sever the one last tie she had to him. She wasn't strong enough to walk away. Instead she choose to live in complete hell, day after day, because he had become as necessary to her as breathing and she wasn't sure how she was going to function without him by her side.

Rinsing the soap off of her now clean body, she turned off the shower and tentatively stepped onto the floor mat. _On to other matters_, she forced her brain to shift gears away from the pain that was _him_, and onto a different pain altogether. She had just passed the one year anniversary of the day she'd been shot, which came with another follow-up appointment with her primary physician, Dr. Porter. It was supposed to be her final appointment with him.

She'd gone to see him less than two weeks ago, and during his exam he questioned her about the appearance of her scar. He palpated the area and noticed a very small nodule in the far right corner of the scar, it looked bruised. It was tiny, no larger than a pea actually. She'd noticed the change shortly after her last check-up several months ago, but thought nothing of it. With a wound as deep and as severe as the one inflicted upon her body, she knew that healing was a long process and different bodies handled the healing process differently. Her doctor was also not too concerned, but requested they take a small sample of the tissue to be safe anyway. A short punch biopsy later, along with a few stitches to close it up, and she was on her way.

Kate looked at herself in the bathroom mirror once again and found her fingers drawn to the raised tissue on her chest, to the slight discoloration within the scar, and to the two stitches that were recently placed on the small bump on the very edge of the area. In a few hours she would go back, have those stitches removed, and would finally be able to close the chapter on her physical healing (_and move on to the broken heart he left, _she morbidly thought).

* * *

Several hours later she sat on a small, uncomfortable examination table, clothed in a thin hospital gown, waiting for Dr. Porter to come and remove the stitches from her chest. He walked in, shook her hand and asked her to lie back. With a few snips, and some wincing over the pull on her sensitive skin, he was finished. She raised herself again as he moved to sit in the chair across from her. Opening her file he cleared his throat and got right down to business.

"I have the results from your pathology labs here, and we've found that the sample contained abnormalities." She calmly tilted her head and looked her young doctor in the eyes, "ooohh..kay.." she slowly replied. "What does that mean? Abnormal how?".

"Well, it is not uncommon at all for scar tissue to form what are called Fibromas. They are benign in nature and it is very rare for malignancies to arise from these masses. I decided that we should biopsy your mass as just a precaution"…he paused, took a breath and continued… "However, your sample showed distinct markers for CD-34 cells, an indicator of malignancy. We had further testing done and we've identified your lesion as a Fibrosarcoma; a rare form of connective tissue malignancy."

She silently stared at her doctor, mind blank, cement in her stomach and a rush of what could only be described as ice in her hands and feet. She flexed her fingers to alleviate the sudden clamminess there and cleared her throat. She spoke, her voice shaky and sounding utterly foreign. " I'm sorry…Can you repeat that? What does that mean? …" Kate Beckett was a survivor, she'd come back from her shooting, this appointment was supposed to bring closure to her. It simply didn't make sense to her. "I….I'm not sure I understand." She could feel herself visibly shaking now.

"Kate. I'm sorry. You have cancer". He never took her eyes away from hers as he spoke words that would certainly devastate and change the woman's life forever.


	2. Chapter 2

"'_Cause you can't jump the tracks we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. And no one can find the rewind button now, so cradle your head in your hands_

_and breathe…just breathe." –Anna Nalick, Breathe (2am)_

* * *

Kate Beckett was not a crier. She did not cry. This was no exception. She stood and moved to shake the doctor's hand, asked to change back into her clothing and expressed her need to get to work. Dr. Porter nodded and gave her the privacy she needed to change. Fifteen minutes later, she was signing out. In her hand was a referral to a respected orthopedic oncologist, Dr. Kendall. _This makes no sense_, she thought to herself as she walked across the parking lot to her car. _Orthopedic, isn't that bone_? _Why the hell would they send me to a bone cancer doctor_? They'd informed her that Dr. Kendall's office would be in contact with her soon. He'd also encouraged her (quite strongly), to be sure to have someone with her when she attended that appointment.

She drove to the precinct in silence, not noticing the lack of radio, something that under normal circumstances needed to be on as she drove. The word repeated itself again and again in her head, _cancer, cancer, cancer_. It didn't make sense to her. Nothing made sense. She walked into the precinct and paused, looking behind her at the busy street. _When did I get here?_ _I don't even remember the drive over… _She was scattered, completely numb, but utterly scattered. Had you asked her she wouldn't have been able to tell you what time of day it was, or what day it was for that matter. Truth be told, there was a strong chance that she wouldn't be able to make sense of the question at all.

Words. She heard words being spoken around her, but they held no meaning. She saw the nods of familiar people as she made her way to the stairs. Taking the elevator didn't even occur to her. Stepping onto the bullpen, she looked at the faces of her colleagues, smiles in her direction. It didn't occur to her to smile back. She sat in her chair and stared ahead. _What happened Again? Cancer? I can't have cancer. I don't have time for cancer. I don't have enough time built up after last summer. I've got my cases. This just isn't going to work for me. _ These thoughts crossed her mind, as if she had a choice in the matter. As if someone had offered to take her on vacation and she'd decided to turn them down. _It is simply not an option. Don't they know that? _She never even questioned who 'they' were.

"BECKETT!"…suddenly pulled from her thoughts, she snapped her head up and in the direction of the very impatient voice. Her captain eyed her suspiciously, "I've called you three times! Are you going to choose to acknowledge me, or should I wait for a more convenient time?" She sarcastically snapped at her best detective. Kate slowly nodded, the same blank expression on her face. Finally she made eye contact, "yes sir?" The captain let out an exasperated sigh. "My office. Now." With that she retreated, waiting for Beckett to follow.

Shaking herself a bit, she noticed the suspicious facial expressions on the faces of Ryan and Esposito, both had been sitting at their desks and watching her with concern. "What's up with you?" Esposito whispered, Ryan nodding at his partners question.

"I um…I have to go…she called me in", still dazed, she gestured towards Gates' office. Turning her back on the quizzical stares of her boys, she proceeded to her boss' office. With deep breaths, she was able to clear her mind a bit for the first time since the appointment. _Breathe_, she thought to herself, _just breathe_. Just before she reached Gates' door she heard a familiar voice behind her, "Hey Beckett! I thought that we could…" She turned around and gave Castle a blank look, as if looking right through him, and turned back to enter the office.

Sitting down in the chair across from Gates, she cleared her throat and waited for whatever was to come. "What is going on detective?" Gates looked her in the eyes, obviously something was off. "I'm…I….I don't know sir".

"You don't know?" Gates incredulously replied.

"Sir. I um…." Finally Beckett put words together. "How do I do my job?" she spoke out, to nobody in particular. "Excuse me detective? But what the hell is up with you? Since when do you ask ANYONE how to do your job? You want to fill me in here detective, because I'm at a loss for words…Are you getting sick? You're pale, you're shaking"

_I am_? Beckett thought to herself. Gates continued to press the detective, "are you sick? Do I need to send you home?"

Kate continued to stare into space, looking in the direction of her boss, but not really at her. "Sick…Sick…the doctor…I need to tell him that I don't have time for this. I don't have time to be sick. This can't happen to me right now."

A look of understanding passed over Gates' face. Something was wrong and her young detective was obviously in shock. She stood quickly, moved to her office door and closed it. Walking slowly to her desk, she asked, this time much more slowly and softly. "What did the doctor tell you?"

"My scar. She gunshot. There is a lump. It is cancer". Something about saying it out loud seemed to make it a little too real for her. With a deep and shaky breath, she tried to control the stinging behind her eyes. _This is real_, she thought. _This happened. It's happening._ Gates made no sound, looking down at her paperwork and removing her glasses she softly asked "What kind?".

Beckett answered her the best she could, explained the scar, the lump and the results. After a moment of silence Gates spoke, "Sarcoma. You have skin cancer. Ok. There are a lot of worse forms of skin cancer to have, forms that spread a lot faster. So there is a chance that they caught it." Gates spoke with what seemed like some form of authority on the subject. Does she have to know _everything about EVERYTHING_, Beckett thought to herself. _So this is a good cancer_? Thoughts continued to run through her mind. _Who the hell do you think you are? How about you take my 'good cancer' and shove it up your pretentious ass_, she bitterly thought.

When she looked to her boss she was struck with the level of empathy on her face. She stood, came over to her and pulled her up by her hands. Suddenly Beckett became uncomfortable. _Is she about to hug me? Please don't hug me. Who the hell are you and what have you done with the Iron Lady?_ Instead of hugging her she squeezed her hands, and looked at her with a look of fierce determination.

"You are going to be ok. You are going to survive this. No matter what it is. You are in for the fight of your life, but you will beat it. You will." Gates waited for Beckett to make eye contact with her again before proceeding. "Look at me. Do you see me? I am a survivor Kate." It was the first time she'd ever heard her first name come from the woman's mouth. "Breast cancer. Eleven years in July and I'm stronger because of it. We're not given things we can't handle, and you've got this". Her voice was thick and her eyes were glassy. Clearing her throat and stepping back, Gates re-gained some of her composure and moved to sit back behind her desk. Placing her glasses back on, the iron lady seemed to be back, "Now. When is your next appointment?"

"I don't know. I've got a referral and they're supposed to call me." Beckett replied.

"Have you told anyone yet?" Gates asked. Beckett's answer was swift and urgent "No. I don't want anyone to know. Not until I know what I am dealing with." Gates looked her in the eyes. "I will be damned if I let one of my own go through this alone. Now, you pick someone. You must have one person. Otherwise, I will go to your appointment with you." Slightly put off by Gates' forceful words, she thought for a minute about the awkwardness that would come about by having the woman go to this appointment with her. _Hell no._

"Ok. I tell someone". Gates looked at her. "I see your sidekick is out there. I know he'd do anything to help you. Would you like me to call him in?" She moved to stand and Beckett quickly yelled "No!". _Just what I need_, she thought, _he already doesn't give a shit about me anymore. He doesn't need to be involved in this. There's no way I will let him anywhere near me. Not with this. _Kate was struck and somewhat disturbed with the small level of satisfaction she had in knowing that she could keep this from him. He wanted to move on, he could. She let him in and he crushed her, there was no way she was doing it again. Anger flashed through her veins and Kate felt relieved that she at least felt something.

"Lanie." She said. "I will tell Lanie." Gates nodded.

"I know I am a hardass, and I'm sure you think I'm overstepping. But as someone who has been where you are, and who has walked the path you're about to walk, I know how important support is. I encourage you to tell them too" she nodded to the three men who were desperately trying to hide the fact that they were completely absorbed in whatever was going on inside the small office. "When you're ready, you will need them too." Beckett nodded her agreement, silently adding a stipulation, _but not Castle. _

Gates pulled out one of her business cards and wrote her home number on the back and handing it over to Beckett before she spoke. "This isn't going to be easy. You will get through the physical sides of cancer. Then the real battle will start." Beckett looked at her quizzically. "Yes Kate" _There's my first name again_ she thought, "The physical part is easy in comparison to the emotional journey. Put that aside for now and focus on the battle ahead. You'll be able to use that piece of information when you're ready for it."

With a final nod Gates released the detective. "Go home Beckett. Go home and come back when you've seen the specialist." Beckett looked at her boss. "I will go home today sir, but with all due respect, I can't sit around and wait for this appointment. I need to work sir." Gates nodded, "I understand. Just be sure to give yourself the space you need when you need it Beckett." Feeling a bit like she'd been pulled into the twilight zone with her boss, Beckett nodded and made her way back to her desk.


	3. Chapter 3

_" and I can't stand the pain, and I can't make it go away. I can't stand the pain. How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes. Got nowhere to run, the night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream-How could this happen to me?" -Fallout Boy, How Could This Happen?_

* * *

Beckett tried desperately to avoid eye contact with Castle as she made her way to her desk. He sat in his chair and waited. _That's the first time you've sat in that chair in weeks. Damn your intuition,_ She thought to herself. Once in her seat she noted the faces of her boys, all three of them.

"You want to tell us what's going on now?" Esposito said. "Yeah, and what possessed Gates to HOLD YOUR HANDS!" Ryan added. Castle was quiet, focusing intently on her. She paused and then answered them "No?" she said. It was more of a statement than a question. The boys were not satisfied, and moved closer to her desk. Just as they were ready to begin their assault on her defenses, her cell rang. _Saved by the bell _she thought as she answered it.

"Ms. Beckett?" the unfamiliar voice of a woman questioned. "Yes. This is she." Beckett answered. "Hello. My name is Marcy and I'm calling from Dr. Kendall's office. We received a referral from Dr. Porter and I'm calling to make an appointment for you. "That was fast." Beckett replied, allowing the boys to overhear the conversation, but being sure to not go into too much detail on her end of the conversation. "Yes Ma'am. In cases like these we like to move fast so that we have a clear idea of what we're dealing with." Kate nodded "I understand."

"So. There was a cancellation tomorrow, and we have an opening on Friday of this week as well. Otherwise, our next opening is not for two weeks." Kate sighed, no time like the present. "I will take the opening tomorrow. The faster we move things along the better." Marcy gave her the time of the appointment and location of the oncologist's office. She also advised her to not wear jewelry or an underwire, as she would be having several scans in the morning. Once their short conversation was finished she hung up her phone. The boys looked at her with expressions ranging from curiosity and concern to anxiety on Castle's face.

In attempt to flee their questioning glances, Kate grabbed her purse and jacket, walked back to Gates' office and informed her of her personal day tomorrow. With promises to keep her superior updated, Kate headed to the elevator to go to the morgue. Before entering she turned back to the three men staring at her. Smiling softly at them but refusing to look directly at Castle, she said "I'll be taking a personal day for this afternoon and tomorrow." Before they could respond she stepped into the elevator. As the doors began to close she finally heard him yell. "Wait…Beckett….Beckett….Kate!" She did not turn around.

* * *

Kate rode the elevator down to the morgue and braced herself for what was about to come. She knew that she needed to tell Lanie and she needed to do it soon. If the medical examiner was going to accompany her in the morning she would need to know so she could open her schedule. Walking into the lab she smiled softly at her friend, who was finishing up an autopsy. She quietly watched her work and prepared herself as best as she could for telling her best friend this news. _It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid_ she thought to herself as she stood silently.

"Are you going to just stare at me, or are you going to say something?" Lanie spoke without turning around. Kate smiled to herself, not at all surprised that her presence was sensed by her friend. She began to speak. "Lanie I need to tell you something. I need you to listen to me and not interrupt because I'm not sure I can get this out more than once. Ok?" With that Lanie put down her tools and turned around. "Ok…" she said, with an evident expression of concern on her face.

They moved away from the body, and Kate sat on one of two stools situated outside of Lanie's open office door. The lab was empty and there was no reason to go elsewhere. Once her gloves were removed and her hands were washed, Lanie joined her best friend, who seemed to be oddly fixated on a part of her jacket. "Speak Kate." In her concern, the ME didn't even think to close her office door, or to ask the redhead that was quietly doing paperwork to step out.

Kate sighed, took a breath and spoke, "Lanie. Two weeks ago I had my final check up from the gunshot wound. The doctor noticed a small mass on the scar and to be safe he decided to biopsy it. Today I got the results and I have cancer." Without pausing and without making eye contact she continued "I told Gates and she insisted that I have someone with me when I meet the oncologist. The appointment is tomorrow because they don't want to wait and I guess we will be discussing a course of action." She continued, more rambling than talking at this point " and I don't really know what any of this means, and I don't know what is going to happen and I don't understand how such a small spot can be cancer, or how a gunshot wound could turn into cancer. It seems like a cruel joke and I don't know what the hell is going on." Her voice finally breaking, Kate looked at Lanie, who had tears streaming down her face.

Lanie stood and wrapped her arms around her. "Kate sweetie-I am so sorry. This isn't fair and you've been through so much already." Finally Kate crumbled and started to cry. "What the hell Lanie. How could this happen? I'm 32. I'm healthy and I've already survived more trauma than most normal people ever dream about. Why is this happening?" Together they held each other, their breathing slowing and the emotional outburst finally subsided. With a deep breath, and her best attempt to take control of the situation, Lanie spoke. "So tomorrow we go to the appointment. I will be there to help ask questions and to help take notes for you. Trust me, the information comes hard and fast and you'll want notes later." Kate nodded and Lanie continued. "We will take this one step at a time and one day at a time. Ok?" Kate nodded at her, releasing a shaky breath in the process. "Now, let me walk you out sweetie" The women walked arm and arm out of the lab.

* * *

From the inside of the small office Alexis sat, stunned and wiping tears from her eyes. Sure things had been strained between her and the detective, but she didn't deserve this. After everything she'd survived, after everything she'd done for her family (especially during the bank robbery), it just wasn't fair. Alexis was broken-hearted for the woman she looked up to, and broken-hearted for her dad, who loved her more than any other woman in his life. She knew that he was angry with her, and that he was acting his anger out in a really immature way, trying to get over her. Still, she knew better than assuming that Kate didn't care about her dad. Kate may have made a mistake, but her dad didn't see her face outside of that bank. Alexis' whole life was in there, but so-she discovered-was Kate's. It was only a matter of time before the adults finally started communicating and worked their problems out. _My dad!_ Alexis suddenly thought. _He must be devastated by this_! The love of his life has cancer. A night in, with movies, ice cream and comfort was definitely called for, although she knew it would do little in the face of everything ahead.


	4. Chapter 4

" '_Cause tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway. So bring on the rain." –Jo Dee Messina, Bring on the Rain_

* * *

Rick Castle heard the door close from his study. Given that his mother was not due in for several hours he figured that Alexis was home from a long day of interning. He smiled to himself as he rose from his computer to greet his daughter. "Hello sweetie!" He smiled at her, arms open wide and ready for a hug. Alexis looked tentatively at him. "Dad?" she stated, "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine pumpkin. Better now that you're home. How about you and I go and grab some dinner tonight? Maybe a movie?" He was much too cheery considering today's events. This led Alexis to one conclusion, he didn't know. She quickly walked into his embrace and held to him.

"Is everything alright with you sweetie?" He asked, a note of concern in his voice. Well, Alexis thought, this is not my news to tell. _She doesn't even know that I know, I can certainly wait until she tells him herself_. Alexis smiled, "Just a rough day with Lanie is all. Watched somebody get bad news and it's always hard to see." He hugged his daughter closer. "Yes it is honey." Letting go of her he proclaimed, "Alright, Dinner, movie and milkshakes tonight."

She smiled and agreed. She was going to make the most out of this night with him. As she moved towards the door she thought to herself, t_omorrow Kate probably tell him, after she knows more. Tonight I'm going to let him have some peace, tomorrow the storm clouds will move in. _

With that, both father and daughter grabbed for their coats and proceeded to spend a night on the town. Him blissfully ignorant, and her incredibly saddened over what was to come.

* * *

Kate had a long and sleepless night. She sat in her bathtub for hours, long after the water had turned cold. Staring into space and letting her thoughts wander. Would she be having surgery? Surely they would have to do something. Has it spread anywhere else? What about chemo or radiation? Would her hair fall out? Would she ever be able to have a family? Would thinking about the future even matter?

She'd never heard of cancer in a scar. Maybe they made a mistake and the oncologist would clear everything up. Maybe this was just a horrendous scare and things would soon go back to normal. Maybe she wouldn't have to tell her dad. She wouldn't have to tell the boys and they wouldn't have to watch her get sicker and sicker. She purposely left over the summer so that nobody would be forced to watch her recovery, she wasn't weak and she didn't like people seeing her as weak. She wouldn't be able to run from this. She couldn't escape this.

The sadness was overbearing, the tightness in her chest threatening to consume her as she sat in the cold bath water. To make matters worse all she wanted to do was call _him._ She wanted him to hold her and tell her that it would be ok. He wanted him to stay with her and hold her hand, to tell her she was strong and beautiful no matter what, and to promise her that he'd never leave her. She wanted him to write an ending to this that was happy. Hell, she just wanted him.

She knew she couldn't call him though. He may not love her anymore, but she knew better than to lash out in anger and assume that he didn't care at all. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise, she couldn't make everything his fault. She just wanted to keep anger around, _better anger than hurt and abandonment, _she reflected. Dr. Burke wasn't the first therapist to tell her that people often hold onto anger because it is easier to process than deeper emotions, such as hurt.

So Kate Beckett clung to anger as much as she could, but she knew better. The truth of the matter was that he did care. He did care… but she loved, and she waited too long and he got over her. Regardless, he was no longer in a place where she could rely on him. She would not pull him back in. _The only thing worse than his leaving me would be his staying out of guilt or obligation because I'm sick now. Sick and weak, and alone too_, she thought bitterly.

It became clear to her by 4am that sleep was not going to come. Kate decided to get dressed, to do some yoga in attempt to calm her nerves and re-focus her thoughts. Lanie would be over at 7 to take her to meet Dr. Kendall. Within hours she would have a plan of action. She would have to move forward. This was about to become her new reality- Her new normal and she was going to have to figure things out pretty fast. By 6:45am, Kate was sipping coffee and watching the morning news. When she heard her friend at the door she grabbed her keys and deposited her mug in the sink, making her way to her door. With a quick hug and a nod the women were off to face the day.


	5. Chapter 5

"_Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"-Jonathan Larson, RENT_

* * *

Three hours later, Kate sat in another small examination room. Another hospital gown, her friend sitting calmly in a chair by the door. She'd had blood work, X-rays an MRI and a CT scan that morning, the results of which would give the doctors a clearer idea of what to do she assumed. Although there were similar tests after she was shot, she was not conscious and didn't have to deal with the discomfort of being poked and prodded. She didn't have to contend with the claustrophobia of being placed in a tube for what seemed like hours, or the embarrassment of having to place strange stickers on her breasts. _Who knew that your nipples look like tumors in your lungs on a chest x-ray_? _Certainly not me_…She thought dryly to herself.

She was exhausted from tests, she wanted to go home and sleep, to be done with this appointment-and she'd yet to meet her oncologist! _Speak of the devil, _she thought to herself as the door suddenly opened and two men in white coats walked in. The older of the two stepped forward and shook her hand, "I'm Dr. Kendall Kate. This is one of my interns, Dr. Stewart." She politely nodded at them both and cleared her throat to speak, "This is my friend, Dr. Lanie Parish, and she's here for moral support." The doctors both shook Lanie's hand, noting her status as a medical doctor as well.

"Well Kate," Dr. Kendall started. "Let's talk a bit about the mass on your chest." The pathology labs were sent over and I agree with the diagnosis, it does appear that you've got a fibrosarcoma."

"What exactly is that?" Kate asked as Lanie wrote questions and answers down.

"Fibrosarcoma is a malignant mass of cells that arises in your fibrous or connective tissue. With most patients they actually occur in the legs or thighs, but the chest, neck and head occur as well. It is extremely rare, but when it arises it grows very rapidly."

"Why did I get this?" She asked.

"Unfortunately, we don't know much about why this type of cancer develops. We do know that for most patients, and you are certainly no exception, the tumors form in locations were previous trauma has occurred. It is believed that something goes wrong in the healing process, specifically where scar tissue is concerned. This is why we usually see these at sites of previous surgeries or even injection sites." Kate nodded as the doctor continued. "Given the nature of this cancer, there are specific areas of your body that we needed to check for disease. Sarcomas like to spread or metastasize Kate, specifically to the lungs, but the bones and the brain are also common sites of metastasis." Kate could feel herself starting to shake, but was able to calm herself to listen to the specialist.

"Now Kate. We've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your MRI was normal, so there is no evidence of metastasis to your brian. Further, your lungs look clear, and all other areas of your body appear normal. This is fantastic because it means we can isolate the cancer to this location on your body." The doctor paused, motioned to her sternum and waited for Kate to absorb the information before he continued. "However, your CT scan did show several nodules on your chest wall Kate." With this he motioned for his colleague to plug his jump drive into the computer. Soon an image of what appeared to be her chest was displayed on the screen in the room. The doctor pointed to 3 separate spots. Two were located on her sternum, very close to where her gunshot wound was, and the third spot pointed out to her was on her third right rib, quite close to where it met her chest.

"Now. Given that there are more lesions, which we call secondary lesions…which spread from the primary tumor on your scar, this does advance the stage of your cancer. We consider this to have locally spread, but not metastasized to other areas of your body. Therefore it is what we call stage IIB.

For these forms of cancer, stage I, is early with very low grade growth-or malignant potential; Stage IIA is also slow growth in that there are not yet other tumors, but high malignant potential. In other words, Stage II cancer means that it is aggressive and could spread. Stage IIB-where you are, means that it is aggressive and starting to spread, but only locally. When we see metastasis, we move into Stages III and IV Kate. The difference between stages IIB and III with your cancer can mean the difference between curable and terminal. So we need to move quickly." He stopped and looked at Kate, who looked positively overwhelmed, and then turned to Lanie who spoke, "I can explain more about grading and staging to her if she needs to go back over it." The oncologist nodded.

"Now Kate. Usually with these forms of cancer we will do a mass excision, remove the tumors and a good amount of space around them. However, given that there is not a great deal of skin in this area, as opposed to the legs or thighs, we have fewer surgical options. We will go in and remove all of the tumors, from your surgical site as well as from your chest wall. However, without the ability to guarantee clean margins, we are going to need to follow up with more invasive treatments." Kate finally spoke, "so surgery, chemo and radiation?"

"Well, yes and no." The doctor replied. "We will do surgery, and we will do it soon. The sooner we get them out, the less chance they have to spread into your lungs or to other areas. In your case we will pursue chemotherapy, but radiation is very risky for this sort of cancer. Because radiation damages skin cells, studies have shown that while it can kill the cancer in some, it also has been found to make other tumors more aggressive, and increases the chances of additional tumors developing. Radiation is a last resort if nothing else is working."

"How long will I be in the hospital after surgery?" Kate asked. The doctor replied, "if nothing goes wrong, you should be able to go home after about a week." You will heal up for a few weeks and then we will get started on the chemotherapy. We will have a better idea of how fast we need to move with the chemo when we get inside and remove the tumors from your chest wall. If they have gotten too deep inside your bones, we've got another complication.

_No tears,_ Kate thought to herself, _don't cry here._ "So, a week in the hospital. I am a cop. How long will I be out of work for, from the surgery?" The doctor looked from her to Lanie, who sighed, and then back to Kate again, "Well, you should be healed fully within about 6 weeks, but the chemotherapy is going to have an impact on your body Kate. You'll be having treatments through the summer and into the fall."

Kate remained stoic, "Have people been able to work through it?"

"Some can." The doctor began, "each person is different. Will you be able to work? Probably. Will you be able to do heavy duty work, chasing down suspects and such? Most likely not Kate. Your body will be in a weakened state for quite a while and you're going to have to take it easy. I would like to see you focus on getting yourself well for right now."

Kate sighed, but did not argue. "Is my hair going to fall out? Is everybody around me going to be able to tell that I am sick?" Lanie looked sympathetically at her friend, knowing how important it was for her to maintain a strong front no matter what. She knew that Kate was struggling to keep her head above water right now. She was struggling for control in what seemed like complete and utter chaos. She was pulled from her thoughts as the doctor continued. "People respond differently to these medications, but the combination that you'll be placed on does tend to result in hair loss. If not all of your hair, a significant amount. It does grow back though."

* * *

Later that evening, glass of wine in hand, she sat on her couch with Lanie. They were taking in the information that the doctors had given them. It was not good, the cancer had spread, but it could be worse, it was still treatable and had not metastasized to other parts of her body. Surgery had been scheduled for the following Tuesday. _Wow_, she thought to herself, _they really don't waste time with these things_. Although she did have answers, there were still pretty scary questions looming. The most scary of which being how far the cancer had spread into her chest wall. The further the cancer gets into the bone, she was told, the more serious the condition. The big question would be whether or not they caught it before it had a chance to get down into deeper parts. _Osteosarcoma… bone cancer…deadly_. She thought. Suddenly it made sense why she'd been referred to an orthopedic oncologist. _Connective tissue is connected to bone,_ she felt silly for not making that connection sooner.

Lanie was silent, waiting for Kate to finally speak. "Wow, she said. Yesterday I was fine. My biggest stress was Castle. Today I'm on the verge of stage III cancer." She shook her head in disbelief, if it weren't so messed up she'd laugh at the absurdity of it all.

"Speaking of…" Lanie started, "When are you going to tell him?"

"Castle?" Kate questioned.

"Yes, Castle. When are you going to tell him what is going on. I know that it all just hit you. I know you've had no time to process it; but you're having surgery in a few days and you're going to need to tell him sooner rather than later."

"I don't need to tell him at all." Kate said, refusing to make eye-contact as she took another sip of her wine.

"Excuse me? What do you mean you don't need to tell him. He deserves to know. Kevin and Havi deserve to know. The people who love you deserve to know." Lanie was exasperated.

"Yes. Tomorrow morning I will tell gates about the surgery-she already knows and as my boss needs to be kept in the loop. I'll take time off. I am going to have the boys over tomorrow for dinner and I hope you will be here when I do. I will tell them everything because you're right. They love me and they deserve to know." She paused, but continued before Lanie could interject, "I am going to go to breakfast with my dad Saturday morning as usual, so I will tell him then."

Kate looked to Lanie, and took her hand. "You know, they will know, my dad will know. Everybody who loves me will know."

"And Castle?" Lanie pushed.

"And Castle doesn't love me. He doesn't need to know. This is not his mess and I am not his problem. Tomorrow I am going to ask him to stop shadowing me. I am going to have Gates back me up. He will have what he evidently wants, he can move on and not deal with me. He never has to know, and I'm settled on this Lanie."

Lanie was shocked and saddened, "Kate you're making a huge mistake here. I know things have been rough, but he does love you. He's been crazy about you for years and you can't just turn that off."

"He evidently can. He did." She replied. "Please Lanie, I'm already broken because of what he's done to me. He wore me down, forced his way in, made me fall in love with him, and then made it abundantly clear that he no longer wanted me. I'm not going to have the strength to be near him and pretend it is all ok while I'm fighting this."

Kate stood up and began to pace, finally she turned to Lanie and spoke, softly and somewhat resigned she said "Look. He's moved on. I'm broken. I was before and now it is so much worse. I waited too long and he had to get over me-which he did. The one thing I gave him was inspiration. I was his muse. His Nikki. The least I can do for him is protect that image. He won't see me go through this, weak and damaged."

With a single tear running down her face she continued, "He doesn't love me. But I love him. He deserves someone whole. Someone who isn't going to drag him into hell and that is all I can offer. It is all I ever offer. I've made my decision and he doesn't deserve to have to watch this Lanie. This conversation is over…" With that Kate Beckett walked out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

"_As he begins to raise his voice you lower your and grant him one last choice. Drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you've followed. He will do one of two things. He will admit to everything, or he'll say he's just not the same and you'll begin to wonder why you came." –The Fray, How to Save a Life._

* * *

Kate headed to work early. She planned to have her paperwork done before the weekend. She would hand all current cases over, and she would put work aside until after the surgery. She also would quickly and astutely request that Castle stop shadowing her. After all, she would reason with him, they had both gotten all they were going to get out of their partnership.

As soon as Gates entered that morning, Kate approached her. After informing her of all updates, she moved on to deal with the issue at hand: Getting Castle out of the precinct. Although her captain was confused, she certainly was not going to take an opportunity to finally be rid of the writer for granted. Kate exited her superior's office and prepared herself for the day's impossible tasks. Hopefully Gates wouldn't be needed, but it was nice to know that the captain had her back.

As soon as the boys arrived she invited them to dinner, which they both accepted once it was made clear that the mystery of her behavior on Wednesday was going to be solved. After completing her paperwork, and leaving Gates to re-assign all cases, she did her best to pass the time until her (_not her_) writer showed up. She didn't see this conversation ending well, but also didn't imagine he was going to object too much, as he obviously didn't want to be around her anymore ether. She was drawn from her thoughts by the opening of the elevator and his presence_, with just one cup of coffee_. She sighed and stood. "Hey Castle. Can we talk for a minute please?"

He looked to her with very little emotion on his face, just a thinly veiled expression of contempt hiding under politeness-his new face for her. "Actually, I just stopped in to let you guys know that I wouldn't be staying, and to bring back these files that Esposito asked me to look over. I've got a hot lunch date with…" She cut him off. "Enough Castle! It will just take a minute and trust me, when I'm done you'll have plenty of time for whomever you want to 'date'", she sarcastically finger-quoted the word date for his benefit. Beckett then turned to the break room, not even waiting for him to decide whether or not to follow.

_He doesn't care. He doesn't love me. He doesn't need to know. I could die from this and he wouldn't care. I'm not worth his time. A blonde bimbo is more important to him than I am. He doesn't care. He doesn't need to watch me go through this. _She repeated these facts to herself in order to emotionally prepare herself to cut him out of her life. It would be easy, right? As easy as it would be to remove her own limb, _to cut out my heart_, she acknowledged. With that she gathered up what little strength she had left over, considering the stresses between them over the past weeks, considering the life-altering news she'd received days ago.

"Can I help you with something Beckett?" He was short. To the point. She could do the same.

"Castle. Stop shadowing me." She waited.

"Wha…What? Why?" He asked, shocked and somewhat scared.

"You've made it blatantly apparent that there are places that you'd rather be. That there are…_people_…you'd rather be with. So let's stop kidding ourselves here. You've gotten all you can out of this partnership and frankly so have I. So leave." She hardened her voice as best she could and prayed he couldn't see her shake, that he wouldn't look to closely at her, that he wouldn't see through her.

"Where is this coming from Beckett? Look-I'm sorry If I have been distracted, but if you feel that I owe more time here than I will give more. I take this seriously Kate."

"No." She shook her head, "No. not Kate. You stopped doing that weeks ago. You say my name, only my last name now, and you say it like it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You don't get to use Kate anymore." Tears were threatening to fall and she was beyond coherent thought, beyond pissed-beyond broken. She needed to pull it together. _He just had to call me Kate_. Never before had the sound of her name broken her heart, and now it did, all over again.

"Look", he said softly, "I am sorry. We do need to talk. There are things that we need to clear up. How about you come over tonight and we'll-".

"No! No Castle. The only thing we need to work out is that you need to get the HELL out of my life. I don't want you here!"

He was stunned and his eyes watered. She was dying. If her cancer didn't kill her this certainly would.

Her voice softened, an undertone of exhaustion and defeat. "I've already talked with Gates. You're out. Get your stuff and go." She turned around, unable to face him any longer, and wrapped her hands around her body. Finally unable to hold it in, she let the tears course down her face. She didn't wipe them away because she didn't want to give away her sorrow to him. If she breathed he'd hear the sobs, if she moved he'd know. He couldn't touch her. She wouldn't be able to send him away again. _Please go Rick_, she thought desperately. _I love you and I don't want you to watch me waste away, please give me this. _Maybe one day they would forgive each other, maybe not. Regardless, the great Nikki Heat would not be weak and neither would she. He'd never have to see it.

"So that's it." She could hear the thickness in his voice. The quivering, and there was no doubt that he was crying too. So be it. She said nothing in response. Besides, she was unable to talk, unable to move.

"Fine. It's been a pleasure. Have a nice life. I'm sorry I wasted so much of your time." With those bitter and broken words left between them, he walked away. They were both devastated.

She stood there for what felt like hours, her body no longer able to hold out, shaking as she sobbed. She felt a hand on her back and turned into the face of her best friend. _Espo must have heard the fighting and called her_, she thought. She turned into Lanie and finally fell apart. She cried for her, cried for him and cried for the cruelness that the universe had seen fit to inflict upon her. _Is it even worth the fight?_ she thought to herself.

She didn't need to ask the question to Lanie. Lanie was worried enough. Her best friend just kicked the love of her life out of the picture, doing what she thought was right or necessary or whatever, it didn't matter. She'd once again played the martyr, and now he was gone. The question that she was terrified ask lingered on the ME's brain. _Would Kate even bother to fight this?_


	7. Chapter 7

"_You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness, like resignation to the end, always the end." _

–_Goyte, Somebody I Used to Know_

* * *

He sat on his couch. The sobbing had finally stopped. He should have expected this. After all, he knew she didn't love him. He knew she had no interest. He was surprised she hadn't kicked him to the curb sooner. Well, ok, so she had kicked him out before. Still, this time was so much different. This time had finality; there was emptiness in the way that she spoke that he'd never heard before. He'd never seen her like that before. It was over and he knew it. His lunch date was cancelled; he had no desire for anyone else anyway. Lying on the couch for hours, nursing a now watered-down drink, he let his mind wander. _Why now? Why all the sudden? Had his behavior really pushed her that far? Did she really not care at all?_ God only knew how he was going to survive this. He was a broken man.

Shortly after the 10pm Alexis came home. One look at her father and she ran to him, finally unable to keep her own tears at bay. Finally he knew and she could share it. "Daddy? Are you ok?" She asked. He tried his best to smile, it was obvious that news his forced departure from the precinct had spread to her, as he knew it would.  
"Yeah sweetie. I'm just a little sad is all." Alexis cuddled into his side, "I know dad. She'll be ok right? Did you talk to her." He sighed, like him-after everything, his daughter still cared about Kate too. He wouldn't drag her into this, there was no reason why Alexis couldn't remained involved with the 12th. After all, through her he'd still get glimpses.

"We did talk and I think she'll be fine. It will take some adjustment for everyone, but we'll work through it." He replied. "In the meantime, I have more time to spend with you and more time to write now!", he said in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood. Alexis accepted his attempt for what it was and sighed, leaning into him, "I'm just scared is all", she said.

"Honey, there's no need to be scared. This will not affect you at all. I promise." At his attempt to calm her, Alexis jumped back and accusingly looked at her father. "It won't affect me? Do you think you're the only one who cares about her? Do you think you're the only one affected by this? Dad, she's sick and doesn't know what is going to happen to her! It is so unfair after everything she's been through and now CANCER! How could you think it wouldn't affect me?" Alexis was crying now.

Rick was stunned. Stunned. "Wha…What did you say? Cancer? Who has cancer Alexis? What are you talking about?" His worry was growing exponentially with each passing second. Alexis grew still, her face completely pale.

"What are you talking about dad?"

"I'm talking about Beckett kicking me out today, telling me not to shadow her anymore…Alexis…What are YOU talking about?" His voice held urgency as he waited for his daughter to come clean.

"I…I overheard Detective Beckett and Lanie talking. I wasn't eavesdropping, but they were talking outside the lab and I heard everything daddy."

"What did you hear?"

"Detective Beckett had a biopsy done and she found out that she has cancer. She was meeting with the oncologist and they were going to decide her course of treatment. I thought that was why you were sad, I was waiting for her to tell you and I thought she did when I saw you!" Alexis began to cry again, sobbing for Kate, for her dad, sobbing out of guilt for giving away the woman's secret and sobbing for the whole situation.

He held his daughter and soothed her "It's ok sweetie. You didn't know. I would have thought the same thing." Thoughts rambled across his brain. The news hit him like a bucket of ice water. She was sick, his Kate was sick and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't make it better for her. His thoughts continued to race. _How bad is it? What did the doctors tell her? Can they treat it? Is she going to… _He shuttered as he pushed the last thought away, tears escaping his eyes as he continued to hold to Alexis.

Rick was scared and he was confused. _How could she keep this from me?_ _Why would she throw me out now? Why would she not let me to help her through this? She knows that I love her…oh._ His behaviors these past weeks, his anger flaunted in her face, he'd made it pretty clear that he didn't care, hadn't he. She kicked him out because she thought he didn't care anymore. _Idiot._ He thought to himself. He had a lot of explaining to do and he needed to make things right.

He knew she pulled back last summer, and he had a pretty good idea as to why. He also knew that she would aim to do the same here (_hell, she already is_). With new found determination Castle decided to himself, _this ends here. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that I am going to step away and let her do this alone. _It was time for him to act and that's just what he'd planned to do.

With that he jumped to his feet. "Alexis, I've got to go sweetie."

The redhead nodded, wiping tears from her eyes, good luck dad.


	8. Chapter 8

"_We're one, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other. Carry each other. One…"_

_-U2, One._

* * *

Kate put the last of the dishes away. Tonight had been hard. They boys were devastated, as expected, but were supportive too. She knew that they would be. They were not happy about her decision to leave Castle out of things, but they respected her decision to do so. With surgery on Tuesday, she'd have a lot to take care of this weekend. She was going to give her apartment a complete cleaning, stock up on groceries that would be needed after she could return home, pick up a few outfits that would be comfortable for her to heal in once she was back home and go shopping for books to help her pass the time in the hospital and at home during recovery. His books weren't an option. This is one crisis she would have to get through without him. She turned off the kitchen light and made her way through the living room, getting the room sorted and back in order following her company.

She was nearly finished when she heard the knock. She knew who it was. She had no reason to believe he'd be there, especially not after today, but she knew it was him. The same way she always knew when he entered her orbit. She could sense his presence pulling her towards him like a magnet. With deep breaths she made her way towards the door and opened it.

"Castle, it's late." She said as she looked at the writer. She took in the look of fear and sadness on his face and waited for him to state the reason for his late night visit.

"Kate." He spoke softly, using her first name again she noted. He stepped closer to her and she moved back, inadvertently giving him access to her apartment. He took it as an invitation and walked in.

"Castle. What do you want? I think enough was said today." She wouldn't make eye contact with him. She couldn't.

"You lied to me Kate. You lied to me and I lied to you. I think it is time we both came clean and stop with the lies, don't you agree?" His voice was tender and before she could respond he was standing there, invading her space.

"Kate. Look at me please." She took a breath, tried to calm her racing heart and looked at him. She was met with tenderness and love. Yes, love. She hadn't seen him look at her like that in such a long time. It stole her breath.

"Kate listen to me. I know you heard me. I know you know that I love you." I heard you admit it and I was so angry with you. I pushed you away in attempt to try to get over you because I understand that you don't love me. For that I ask you to please forgive me. Instead of coming to you and telling you the truth about what I'd heard, I lashed out at you and I hurt you." He lifted her chin with his fingers and continued to speak softly.

"Kate I know you know I love you. It's ok that you don't feel the same, but please don't kick me out. Not now. I need to be in your life… and I need you to stay in mine." Kate was shocked. He knew she knew his confession. He knew everything. Suddenly his behavior made sense. Guilt and shame washed over her.

"Castle. I was broken and I didn't tell you I heard you because I wasn't ready and you deserved someone who was... Someone who was whole, not damaged. So I got help, I worked on myself so that I would be ready to…"

she stopped suddenly as her thoughts caught up to her, _wait a minute, did he just say…_

"Love. Castle, you said Love. Not loved. You said love. Present tense. But, you moved on. You got over it and you didn't care anymore-" she was abruptly cut off as he moved on her, bringing his face close to her, he allowed their noses to caress, and he whispered his fingers up and down the side of her face. She could feel his warm breath on her, his mouth so very close to where she wanted it. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything other than how badly she needed this man. Then she felt his whisper on her cheek,

"Do you honestly think I could just stop caring about you?" He continued to caress her face, inhaling her scent, their shallow breaths so very close. He slid his hands down her face, to her neck and moved so their foreheads touched. His soft, warm breath continued to ghost across her lips, "Do you think I could stop loving you? Kate I couldn't even if I tried."

Finally looking into her eyes, he saw his own desire reflected in her eyes and slowly moved in to capture her lips with his own. Suddenly she blocked him, putting a stop to his advances. Her tortured expression, along with her conflicting body language showed the internal struggle waging a war within her. She moved her hand to push him back, but gripped onto his shirt in the same gesture with her refusal to completely break contact.

"No. No Castle. You can't. I can't. You don't understand. I can't handle this now. You deserve someone who isn't falling apart. Castle I'm sick, and you don't..you shouldn't…just please-."

His hand cups her cheek, "Kate." He whispered while bringing their foreheads to touch again, " I know. Alexis accidently overheard you and Lanie talking. She saw me tonight, upset about our fight, and she thought you'd told me."

Kate sighed and looked down, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. "I told you to leave. I didn't want you to have to know. You loved a strong woman, you loved someone that I just couldn't be and I wanted to spare you from having to watch things fall apart. I didn't want you to have to deal with this." A single tear slipped from her eye as she looked intently at the floor.

"I don't have to deal with anything, but if you're going through this than so am I. Kate I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I am sorry I didn't man up, that I acted out against you and made you doubt my feelings, but I'm not in love with the muse. I'm not in love with Nikki, I'm in love with you. As you are…and all that you are." He brought her chin up, forcing her gaze to shift from the floor to his eyes.

She let out a breath, brought her hand to his, moved it away from her chin, and kissed his palm. Instead of putting it down at his side she then turned it and kissed the back of his hand, lacing her fingers through his. She moved her other hand to his waist and pulled him closer. He then slid one arm around her and stepped into the embrace.

To an outsider it would look as if the two were dancing to some music that only they could hear. He moved his head down and grazed his lips across her neck, causing her to shutter. The fingers of their conjoined hands continued to caress as they molded their bodies together. Slowly she tilted her head down so that her lips were grazing his ear, and she whispered "I love you too. So much." The soft hint of desperation in her tone left no doubt in his mind that her words were true.

His breath caught in his throat and his body stilled. He lowered their hands, keeping them joined. While looking up at her he slid his other hand up her back and cupped the back of her head, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. In this. With you, no matter the outcome. Do you understand?" She nodded, no longer attempting to stop the tears forming in her eyes. He shifted his eyes down to her lips and back up to hers again. Finally bringing them closer, he softly joinined their lips. She relaxed into him immediately and parted her lips, inviting him in. The kiss, their first kiss without pretense, lasted until they both released for air. He continued to kiss her face, her ears, her neck, returning to her lips.

He could sense her change, the kiss became more passionate, her breaths came quickly, her body pressed more closely, and her hands gripped his back with an intensity he'd never experienced from her. He matched her escalation with his own, backing her up against the wall to gain leverage as he pushed himself against her body. What started out as an expression of love quickly turned into a frenzy of hands and lips and the removal of clothing as he pinned her to the wall, her legs wrapping around his hips. Their pace was maddening and if someone didn't slow things down their first time together would be up against a wall. With this thought he finally pushed against her and backed away. Both were gasping, him in his unbuttoned shirt and jeans, and her in her jeans and bra.

"Not like this Kate. Not now. I want to go slowly with you." She nodded in agreement, running her hands through her hair in obvious frustration.

"I'm going to change and get ready for bed. I've got to meet with my dad in the morning." She moved towards her bedroom, stopping as she reached the door. "I agree we should wait, but I would love it if you would stay tonight. Just hold me." He smiled at her, "Always."


	9. Chapter 9

"_If I rise. One more chance. All our dreams. More than this." -Dido & A.R. Rahman, If I Rise_

* * *

The small café was relatively empty for a Saturday morning in New York City. Apparently everyone wanted to stay indoors today. Not that Kate could blame them, it was cold, overcast and rainy. Had she not agreed to meet her dad for breakfast she'd still be in bed herself, _with him, _she smiled and thought to herself. It had been a mutual decision to slow things down last night, they had both been emotional and they'd laid so much out in the open that any more major changes to the relationship ran the risk of further complicating things.

Instead, she found herself wrapped up in him, a tangle of limbs and warmth under her comforter. She'd slept better than she had in months, and they seemed to just fit, as if they'd spent the past 10 years sleeping at eachother's side. When she awoke in his arms there was no awkwardness, no feeling of claustrophobia or need to run; it just felt safe.

They laid in bed for about 45 minutes, listening to the rain come down outside and enjoying the feel of the other's languid caresses. He leaned into her and placed a kiss on her forehead before speaking, "How are you doing?"

"I'm ok." She replied. "I'm not looking forward to this morning, to breaking this news to my dad." He pulled her into his embrace a little more tightly, planting another kiss on her temple.

"Would you like support? I could go with you." She smiled up at him, amazed at how far they'd come in the past 24 hours.

"Thanks, but this is something that I need to do alone. Since my mom died it's been just us, he and I. I think it will be easier for him to hear if it's just us sitting together." Kate sighed, lightly caressing the arms that held her with the tips of her fingers. "The sooner I tell him the better. It just breaks my heart that I have to bring this kind of pain to him. He's already lost his wife and now this?"

"Kate" his lips were pressed against her temple as he whispered into her ear, "There isn't anyone that I'd have more faith in. You've got the strength to fight this and you've got the support around you to come out on top. Your dad will be terrified, as we all are, but in the end I truly believe he'll be proud to be able to call his daughter a survivor."

* * *

"Katie?" Kate was pulled from her memories from earlier that day by her father's voice. She quickly stood and smiled, stepping into the hug he offered her.

"Hi dad." She said, taking her seat across from him in their booth. She'd already ordered coffee, knowing that they'd both drink it. As he removed his coat and settled himself in she prepared herself for the conversation to come.

Kate decided the night before that she was going to approach this conversation differently than she did with Gates (although she still isn't sure what she told Gates initially, it was such a blur), or Lanie. She was going to present herself as strong and optimistic for her dad. She was going to let him know all of the good news she'd received, like that it hadn't metastasized. She wasn't going to lie to him, she would just present the facts in a more hopeful manner.

He was still shocked and saddened. He cried for his little girl and told her that he wished it were him (which broke Kate's heart). He did seem encouraged by the fact that they caught it when they did, and was on board with the plan of treatment. For Kate's sake, and everyone else's it seemed that talk of chemotherapy was off the table until after the surgery. She was grateful for this considering how overwhelming it all was. _One major hurdle at a time_, she thought to herself. The major item under discussion was where Kate would stay after the surgery and during treatment and who would take care of her.

First Kate insisted that she would stay at home and could manage on her own. Her dad would have none of that, and threatened to move in with her himself if she didn't make arrangements for help. He'd offered her the opportunity for her to come home, to stay in her old room and to recover there. Frankly, the thought of living in that house without her mother, even all these years later, was nauseating and therefore-not an option. Kate suggested Lanie, knowing that her studio apartment wasn't going to cut it and feeling somewhat guilty over her friend rearranging her life to help Kate in the months to come.

The obvious choice, of course, was Castle. Her dad suggested him before Kate did, even though he was the first person she thought of. She knew that he would jump at the opportunity to help her, but she wasn't crazy about not being in her own place and she knew better than to ask Rick to be away from his family. No decision was reached as breakfast neared its end, but Kate promised that she would have things worked out soon. She knew that meant yet another uncomfortable conversation was in her near future, _one hell of a way to begin any form of relationship-or whatever this is_, she sighed and said goodbye to her father. He made her promise that she would be in touch when she had specifics lined up.

Kate entered her apartment and placed her keys on the table. All was quiet, as he'd headed home to change as she'd made her way out to meet her dad. Before they parted she'd promised Castle that she would come by the loft for dinner. She'd agreed because she wanted to have the opportunity to talk with Alexis and reassure her that everything was ok (and that she was not angry with her over the misunderstanding). Honestly, it wasn't the teen's fault. She felt somewhat guilty that Alexis had overheard and was grateful that she'd tried to wait for Kate to deliver the news herself. Still, she was unhappy with the amount of grief and pressure it had placed on the young girl's shoulders. A discussion was needed, and sooner rather than later. The possibility of another night with the girl's dad was a bonus too.

* * *

The moment she entered the loft she was struck by the delicious smell of chicken soup. Castle had spent the afternoon cooking and had deemed comfort food as necessary for the evening's menu. Both Martha and Alexis greeted the detective with hugs and words of encouragement. After hanging her coat up Kate immediately pulled Alexis aside. She'd noted Rick's supportive smile and nod of encouragement as she did so. Smiling softly back at him, she led Alexis over toward the living room.

With a deep breath she began, "I wanted you to know that I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did Alexis. I'm sorry that you had to keep it to yourself, and I'm sorry that you were so upset over how your dad found out." Kate looked the young girl in the eyes and continued, "that was a lot for you to handle and you did a great job. I want you to know that I don't feel angry or upset in any way over what happened. Ok?" Alexis looked at her with wide and watery eyes, but nodded her understanding.

"Alexis I know that you and I don't know each other very well. We've never really had occasion to get to know each other, but you are welcome to come and talk to me, especially about all of this. You can ask me anything and I'll do my best to give you answers." Alexis choked back a sob and Kate pulled the girl into her arms.

Kate was touched by the girl's obvious concern, "I don't know what's going to happen Alexis, but thanks so much for caring as much as you do. Thanks for being so willing to share your dad with me. I promise not to take him for granted and I'll do my best to keep you all in the loop where my treatment is concerned. Ok?"

Alexis looked up to her and nodded, finally speaking, "I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's not fair and I'm scared." Kate pulled her a little tighter and reassured the girl "I've got this Alexis. Don't you worry. I've got this." Alexis let out a sigh and Kate rubbed her back. Her thoughts racing, she'd managed to convince two people today that she was on top of this. That she'd be fine and she'd come out on top. Now if only she could convince herself.


	10. Chapter 10

"_If you're cold, I'll keep you warm; If your low just hold on. Cause I will be your safety. Oh, don't leave home." –Dido, Don't leave Home._

* * *

The soup was delicious, the conversation was light and a feel-good movie was chosen as they made their way to the living room. Good company, good wine and a quoting contest as they all watched "The Princess Bride", made Kate feel lighter than she had in days. She was grateful for the sense of normalcy and was once again happy to be in Rick's arms.

As the night wore on, both Martha and Alexis made their exits to bed, leaving Castle and Beckett to themselves. Hours ago she'd allowed herself to be pulled into his side, leaning her head against his shoulder as they watched the movie. She'd felt a little odd about doing it in front of his family, but they took it in stride, acting as if they'd done this every night for the past several years. It still did little to still her racing heart, but eventually she relaxed into him more, soothed by the calming strokes of his fingers up and down her arm.

Once alone, Rick was updated on Kate's conversation with her father (including the dilemma of living arrangements and live-in help), and was encouraged by her seemingly improved mental state. Comfort food and a silly movie had done the detective some good. She also filled him in on her conversation with Alexis, how she'd reassured both her dad and his daughter that everything was going to be fine. He gazed at her for a minute, an unreadable expression on his face. Although glad for her optimism, there was also some worry that the woman would turn this into an opportunity to take care of everyone else and try to manage their fears and emotions.

To an outsider it would seem completely preposterous that someone with cancer would do such a thing, but this was Kate. Rick knew perfectly well that she would turn the tables and take care of others as a maneuver (whether she was aware of it or not), to maintain some control over the situation and lessen the likelihood of others trying to take care of her. He kept these concerns to himself, silently determined to do whatever it took to be someone she would let in with this. _Please_, he thought to himself, _just let that guard down and let me take care of you. _It was a lot to ask, considering it had taken them years to get to a place where they were honest with their feelings. This was asking her to shed another layer and lay all her vulnerabilities out on the table, to rely completely on someone else. Putting those thoughts aside, he decided to start somewhere a little less intensive.

"Kate" He started, "Why don't you consider coming here to recover from the surgery?" I've got a spare room, and I could be here all day to help if you needed it. You wouldn't be an imposition, I know that both mom and Alexis would like to see that you were taken care of now." He made a point to hold her gaze as he continued to speak "you're not alone and you have family, so let us take care of you. That's what family does Kate."

She smiled softly at him, comforted by his referring to her as family. Still, the idea of living there and being taken care of did not sit well with her. "I just want to be able to take care of myself. It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, I just don't…I'm not…." Kate was at a loss for words, but luckily Castle knew what she was trying to express.

"You're not used to being taken care of. You don't like feeling like an invalid. You're fiercely independent Kate and you don't like to have that independence, that control, taken away." She stared at him, unable to disagree because he'd pinned her. He wasn't finished, "Kate, you're going to need help. You're going to have to let someone in. I would like to be that person more than anything, but if I'm not that is ok too. Regardless, you can't do this alone." He'd laid some of his concerns on the table, knowing that the real battle would come in the day-to-day recovery process. Afterall, talking about it wasn't _doing_ it.

His facial expression softened a bit, "Now, if you insist on being in your own apartment, then I would like to temporarily move in with you. It is not the best of options, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see that you've got whatever it is that you need Kate."

She smiled at him, overcome once again by his dedication to her. "Castle, this is your last summer with Alexis, you're not moving in with me. I promise to be of as little a hassle as possible, and I'm not happy about it, but I do think you're right. My staying here makes the most sense." Rick smiled and squeezed her hands.

Kate had already reached the decision that, if asked, she'd accept the invitation to stay with him. Of course she wasn't comfortable with it. She was a creature of habit and wanted to be in her own home, with her own things and sleeping in her own bed. Nevertheless, she remembered the recovery process last time, how her dad had to do everything for her for the first two weeks. Even as she'd regained some of her independence, she still relied on him heavily for many things. Kate knew she couldn't do this alone.

They spent the remainder of that evening making plans for the next few days. Tomorrow Kate would go shopping, run errands and do whatever else she needed to do to prepare for the surgery. She would spend the afternoon packing and getting herself ready to be away from her home for an extended period of time. Monday morning she had an appointment with the anesthesiologist, as well as a pre-operative consultation. She would go to the loft after her appointments and settle in, she would help them set up 'her room' as she would want it. They would make a grocery list so that they would know what food was best for her as she recovered. They decided to make the living arrangements as ready for her as possible so that she could be comfortable during the weeks of healing. It was going to be a long 6 weeks for all of them.


	11. Chapter 11

"_Tonight I need your sweet caress, hold me in the darkness. Tonight you calm my restlessness, you relieve my sadness." –Bob Seger, Tonight I need_

* * *

She'd been quiet. Lost in her thoughts he'd figured. They were sitting in what was now her room in his loft. She'd put most of her clothing up, set up the bathroom and was settling in nicely. She'd allowed him to come along with her to her appointments on Monday morning. Bright and early they were both up, and he'd driven to her apartment to pick her up and help her bring her things over to the loft. After setting her things in what was now _her_ room she'd joined him in the kitchen for coffee and a quick breakfast. Although still not happy to be living away from home, she had to admit that she was grateful that she would be able to enjoy his presence over the next weeks.

The pre-operative consult wasn't at all what they'd planned it to be, instead of meeting with her surgeon, she was sent to billing services to be sure they had all of her correct insurance information. _Billing, ah yes, the one place where they take the time to know about everybody_, she dryly thought to herself. Once everything was worked out they were directed to the elevators and down two floors, to the department of anesthesiology. There she was met by a woman that looked no older than she was, but held an air of confidence about her. After introducing herself she asked Beckett several questions, mainly about allergies and past experiences with general anesthesia.

A good amount of time was spent going over her medical records from the shooting, which provided the doctor with a good picture of the chemical combinations that Kate had managed well during her previous stay. She'd also discussed pain management with her, offering to insert an epidural before the procedure so that her pain would be easily and swiftly controlled from within the hospital. At first Beckett objected to the idea, not at all impressed with the thought of not being able to get up on her own, to move around, _What if I need to use the bathroom_? She thought to herself.

As if reading her mind, the doctor explained that she would remain in bed for at least 24-36 hours after the surgery. A catheter would be placed during the surgery. Kate looked to her feet and tried to control her blush, for a moment wishing that she'd just come to the appointment alone. No sooner than the thought had crossed her mind she felt his hand on hers and a gentle squeeze. Forcing herself to make eye-contact with him, she didn't see a look of embarrassment or pity, but of love, strength and complete support. She smiled to him and squeezed his hand in return.

"Ok." Kate looked back to the anesthesiologist, "If I am going to be forced to remain in bed for such a long time after anyhow, we might as well give me the good stuff." She smiled at Rick, deciding that unlike her recovery from the gunshot-where she rode the pain out on her own, she wasn't going to make the people who cared the most about her have to watch her in pain. The doctor smiled and nodded. Before Kate moved to leave she was given a bag with two containers of liquid soap inside.

"The hospital asks all patients to wash thoroughly with both containers the night before their procedure." Beckett eyed the bottles suspiciously. "It is a disinfectant." The anesthesiologist clarified. Kate nodded her agreement and placed the bag of soap in her purse. They shook hands and the doctor smiled, "I'll be seeing you in the morning Kate." With that they left the hospital.

The ride back to the loft was silent with Kate completely wrapped up in her thoughts. Rick turned the radio on, and allowed the soft melody to fill the car and add some comfort to the situation. He reached for her hand and laced his fingers within his own. She released a breath that he didn't even know she was holding, squeezing his hand and looking at him with love and gratitude in her eyes.

* * *

Now they sat in silence on her bed. The hour was late and the tension of unsaid words seemed to build between them. He had to say something to break it so he spoke "so…what time do you need to be at the hospital tomorrow?"

"The surgery is scheduled for 11am. When they called me earlier today to confirm a time they asked that I be there two hours early." She didn't look at him, just stared at the sweet-smelling candle that Alexis had placed on the dresser in her room.

"That makes sense." Rick started, desperate to keep talking "I guess they need to get you set up and do any of the pre-operative tasks that they need to do…um…did they say-" Suddenly she cut him off, turning to look him in the eyes.

"Castle, what are we doing?"

"Um. We're talking about tomorrow and you're going to be staying here to recover." He wasn't sure where she was going with this.

"I know that. I mean…" Kate paused for a moment, trying to find the words to express herself, "I mean. We talked, we know how we feel, but we didn't really discuss _what_ we are any further." Before he could respond she launched into a rambling of thoughts and anxieties.

"Look Rick. I am so glad that you invited me here, but I don't want you to feel like you owe me something. I don't want you to feel like you must take care of me. I mean…I know that we care about each other that we Lo…" She struggled to get the words out.

Rick interjected and softly helped her finish her thought "Love each other. Yes."

She smiled at him, somewhat with gratitude that he could help her to express herself. "Yes." She agreed softly, running her fingers along his jaw. "We love each other." Dropping her fingers from his, she pulled back. Only to be stopped from withdrawing completely as he held onto her hand with his own.

"Kate?" He asked. "What is this about?"

"Castle. We've just come clean about our feelings, and usually I would say we take things slow, go as things feel right, but here I am. Because of this…" She motioned to her scar. "and now it feels like we're in a relationship and I'm just scared that it is going faster than you want it to go."

Richard Castle couldn't help it. He let out a laugh. She looked up at him in shock. He held his hands up defensively and with a smile he explained "I'm not laughing at you…It's just…It's just that _you_…Kate Beckett…just expressed concern that things were moving too fast for ME." His expression softened and he took hold of both of her hands.

"Kate. I'm ready for this. I'm ready for us. We've been waiting 4 years. I think we've had plenty of time to ease into knowing each other, don't you?" Kate nodded, but still had a look of reservation on her face. Something was still bothering her and he knew it.

"Kate, I'm ready. Are you ready to be in a relationship with me? Is that where this is coming from? We can slow things down you know, it is ok to do so if-"

"No!" She interrupted him before he could continue. "That's not it. It's…"

"Kate, just say it." Rick implored her.

"I…you…we decided to slow things down the other night, and I'm glad we did." Rick urged her to continue "but…"she started…

Finally looking up at him she continued, "but I'm sick now. I'm about to have surgery and we don't know what the outcome is going to be. I don't know how soon I'll be starting chemotherapy Rick. There's so much that I don't know and I'm afraid if I wait…if we wait…that I'll be different or unable and Rick I don't want to wait." They just stared at each other for a moment.

"Rick. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you here?" She asked him with desperation, urging him to somehow understand what she was trying to say so that she didn't have to come right out and say it.

"Kate. I think I do, but I don't want to sound like a complete ass here….are you speaking physically here?" She nodded at him. "So" he continued "you want to BE with me…tonight?"

"Rick, I want us to be together tonight. I want you to make love to me." She didn't take her eyes from his, although she desperately wanted to.

He nodded. "ok" he said softly. He ran his fingers across the side of her face again, ghosting a kiss across her lips. Then he stood and moved to the door, closing it, locking it and providing them more privacy. He moved to the candle on her dresser and lit it, then to another candle sitting on her bedside table. He lit that too. As he turned back to her he saw the lights go out. She'd risen from the bed and to the light switch, catching onto his intentions. They were submerged in darkness, but bathed in soft candle light. He moved finally to the other side of the bed and lit the remaining candle. Enough light was provided for them to see, but the softness of the light provided them with an ambiance that seemed to fit perfectly with how he'd envisioned their first time to be.

They were both already dressed for bed, so it didn't take them long to de-robe. She slid from her night shirt and soft yoga pants while standing next to the light switch. He'd followed suit, removing his t-shirt and boxers. Slowly they met in the center of the bed, he from one side and her from the other. Both kneeling, close enough to touch, gazed for a moment into eachother's eyes. The love and trust there was all she needed to see before she continued. Slowly, she pulled one of his hands to her, laying his palm flat over the center of her chest. He allowed his eyes to travel down to where she'd placed his hand, moving his fingers to ghost along the raised tissue there.

Overwhelmed by the scar, by what it represented and by the sickness that had invaded her body, he sank lower into her. He brought his face to her chest, his lips to kiss the place that had brought so much pain and wrapped his arms around her back-pulling her into him. She willingly followed his lead, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and threading his hair with her fingers. Soon she was placing kisses into his hair and bringing her hands down to his face, grasping his chin and pulling his lips to her own. They fell flat onto the bed and were consumed by their kisses, caressing each other and mapping out the curves of their bodies. Finally, as he prepared to enter her for the first time, he grasped her hands with his own.

With laced fingers, they both held their breath the moment he entered her. Their eyes never left each other as he eased into her and she stretched to accommodate him. The feel of it, of them and of this moment, that they both had waited so long for, was overwhelming. Soon he was fully embedded within her and they both exhaled. He pressed kisses to her lips, to her cheeks and across her face. She sighed at the feel of him, the feel of _them_, finally together. In that moment, Kate Beckett finally understood it meant to be '_one_' with someone else, to loose sight of where one ended and the other began.

She kissed him back passionately, signaling him to move within her. She drew her body closer to his, using her legs wrapped around his hips to urge him deeper. What started out as slow and loving quickly escalated into passion and desperation, as they finally fulfilled their need for each other completely.

* * *

Later, they both lie in bed, completely satiated. He'd pulled her back into him and snaked his arms around each side of her body. Completely wrapped up in him, she relished in the feel of how their arms and legs became intertwined, on how wonderful he felt pressed up against her. She felt loved, she felt safe and she felt home. She felt his lips on her nick, trailing kisses from her shoulder blade up to below her ear. She let out a sigh as her thoughts wandered.

"I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow." She stated, as much to herself as to him.

"Neither do I, but I can promise you that I'll be there with you when you find out…holding your hand and standing right beside you." He pulled her a little closer to him, breathed in her scent and wished beyond anything that he could take this from her.

"There are a lot of unknowns ahead Rick. It's not always going to be pretty."

"Kate, it wasn't always pretty in the past. As long as you continue to let me in, we can do this together… but Kate, I need you to promise me that you'll try. That you'll try not to shut me out. I know that's your natural tendency, but for both of our sakes please promise me you'll try to let me in." He pulled back from her enough for her to turn and look into his eyes.

For a second she remained silent, contemplating the man at her side. Always at her side. She pulled herself back into him, this time facing each other. As their foreheads touched and their eyes held each other she answered him.

"I promise Rick. I promise."

* * *

**The End. **

**A/N: Thank you all so very much for your comments and encouragement. I'm really glad that you've enjoyed this story. The second is completed and titled "And I Will Try To Fix You." **

**I do hope I brought a dose of reality to her situation, as it is near and dear to my heart. I also promise that it is not in my genetic code to write a story without a happy ending. Thanks again for reading.**


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